I’m trembling and shaking. My brain is just about controlling my fingers well enough to be able to type. My heart is pounding, my mouth is dry. My stomach is twisted in knots. I feel like I’m about to loose it. I feel like I’m going to burst into tears, lash out, tear my face off and completely break with no chance of returning to ‘normality’. I want to scream and I need to calm down…somehow.
Where has this come from?
It’s Easter Sunday. A bank holiday weekend. Bank holidays are one of my least favourite and most anxiety provoking days each year. The reason? Shops open and shut at hours inconvenient to my eating disorder urges and if I get caught out or mis-plan then my life gets tipped upside down and I have to struggle and grapple with my will to not go completely shit-crazy.
I should have gone to the supermarket yesterday. I intended to. I intended to massively stockpile food in the boot of my car so that this Easter weekend would not restrict my binging. I got drunk yesterday so I couldn’t drive to the store. Not that I cared, I was fuzzy headed and chilled out. It wasn’t an immediate need so I decided that I’d go tomorrow (today).
Today I was just an idiot. I binged in the morning and was going to walk or drive and get my stockpile. Except I decided that maybe I wouldn’t. Maybe this time I would try to resist a binge. What better a way than by not having the possibility in the first place. If I don’t buy the food then I have to succeed at not binging. I have to sit with the feelings of loosing my sanity and falling down the rabbit hole into oblivion and a pit of despair. I was going to go. I realised that I wasn’t going to feel too great if I didn’t. But I didn’t go. I made the choice to resist binging.
Now I’m in complete panic. I’m freaking out. I can’t do this! I’m trying to document this so that I can remember what I go through after I go through it. Often I can’t remember clearly once the haze of the after kicks in.
Tonight the family are cooking an Easter meal together! I need to do something to pull myself back together enough to get through that. Or maybe I’ll pretend to be sick. I don’t want to eat. Food is evil and if I eat that and can’t get more then what will happen? Or what if I eat too much in front of them. Or maybe I’ll eat it and purge. I feel like I need to be sick anyway with my stomach all twisted like this. Fatties always get judged for eating anything and I shouldn’t eat anything or touch anything bad.
What’s even more stupid is I’m not completely foodless. I have what I call my ‘emergency’ tins under my bed. They live there for situations where I can’t get to the shops such as if it’s a bank holiday and I don’t realise until I get to the shops and they’re shut. I don’t know why I’m experiencing all of this panic and anxiety. I realised I have these tins and that didn’t make me feel any better. Maybe it’s because they’re not what I usually binge on? They’re bingey foods though. And there is enough of it for a binge later if I do. And then the shops will be open tomorrow. Why do I feel so horrendous?
I hate this eating disorder. I should have just gone to the shop and stocked up. I’d be feeling fine right now if I had! I’ve put myself in this position. I thought I’d try not to binge and it’s lead me to emotional turmoil. I feel like I’m loosing my mind. All over food. Stupid food.
There are tears and anger. I feel pathetic and stupid that I’m reacting like this. I feel like I’m drowning in my own feelings. I’ve lost all sense of time and I’m alone in my room. I’m shaking less now but the feelings of hatred have replaced it. I hate myself. I’m a stupid, weak and fat waste of space. I’m ashamed of myself. It’s my fault I’ve ended up in this mess. I should have done something about this years ago. Now my blood pressure and blood is messed up and I can’t cope with the daily expectations of life. I want to break something.
I’m trying not to cry. I’m jittery but unwilling to move or do anything. My stomach is even more knotty and I just want to be sick. I can feel my heart racing. It’s different to the palpitations that I get. It’s like it’s racing in my throat. I’m finding it difficult to swallow and my brain is all over the place. I don’t know how to make this pain stop.
I’ve been drawing how I feel emotionally and physically right now. Overload. Will this ever stop?! I’ve been in turmoil for nearly 2 hours!
I’m calmer. My emergency stash is now comforting me more. It’s there if I need it. I’m not in a complete disaster. I’m still upset, anxious and angry but at a more manageable level. These rapidly increase if I think about things. So long as I’m numbing out online I’m doing okay. I still have an uncomfortable feeling in my chest and my heart is still fast but I’m swallowing more easily now and I feel less sick. The sick feeling in my stomach has been replaced with fluttery butterflies. When I’m not blocking everything out my mind keeps turning to thoughts about my emergency stash and self-harm.