I’ve been trying to take better care of myself lately. I’ve vanished from WordPress and most other internet places for a few months. Initially this was because I’d hit such a low point I couldn’t face writing, or talking or reading about anything and I realised that I needed to try and do something about it. I think I’m having more days where I’m ‘ready’ for help and ‘ready’ to get better now. The main issue with that being that I’m not eligible for support in recovery and I no longer see my therapist because my day off at work changed.
After the initial removal from being online I actually had some really exciting news. My fiancé and I are expecting our first child in March. My current due date is March 25th 2015. This may change at my first scan in two weeks. It seemed to be the kick up the backside I needed. I began eating a structured diet. I had 3 meals and two snacks a day. Because I was monitoring everything I did get obsessive and I was loosing weight due to my calorie intake not being enough. But I tried to have a positive outlook and see the progress that I was making. Had I not been pregnant the calorie intake would have been markedly lower. It wasn’t enough but it was better than it could have been. I think I binged twice in the space of two weeks and I went from purging multiple times daily to a couple of times in those few weeks. Again not perfect but a marked improvement.
Then morning sickness kicked in. Of course my body decides that the only foods that I can stomach are my trigger foods. So in spite of being pregnant and having the most significant reason to change my behaviour for the better I have been binging…a lot. I feel awful. I am trying so hard to eat well for my baby and I thought after the initial improvement maybe I’d be one of those people who recover while pregnant and if working on the emotional side of things might not relapse after the birth. Apparently I’m so out of control my baby is now being subjected to everything that I do and don’t do. I feel like such a horrible person and an awful Mother.
This happy news has also impacted on me in other ways. Don’t get me wrong I am unbelievably excited to be having a baby. I can’t wait to meet them and love them and revolve my life around making sure they’re happy and well cared for. But with the mind set I was in when I got pregnant this has presented other challenges. The moments where the super-low feelings break through and the self harm and suicidal urges are running rampant in my mind it is my baby that stops me acting on these. But as much as this is perhaps a positive thing it also brings out this fear in me. What if I can’t bond with my child? What if because they’re restricting me I begin to resent them? If I want to die but they stop me but the urge and desire doesn’t go? I try to tell myself that my desire to do the best for them and the wish that I could eat well for them is proof that I will bond with them and I can change for the better. But I’m scared of the ‘what ifs’. I’m scared because the future isn’t 100% certain. I find it hard that I didn’t care about myself before. I pushed myself at work when my heart was telling me to stop but now I don’t do that because I’m not pushing my child through that. But I find that hard because I’m then inadvertently helping myself. Just like pre-natal vitamins. I’m taking them but I struggle with the fact that I’ll benefit from them too.
Anyway. I’m back online. I think I need to write more. Especially now I’m not longer seeing my therapist. I think that’s one reason I’ve crashed so low. I have no space to think, to process and to understand my own mind so I’m getting lost in the mess in my brain.
Anyway. I hope anyone who may scan through this is doing well. I have some catching up on blogs to do!