I ended up in A&E today.
I was at work. Nothing out of the ordinary when all of a sudden I was hit with palpitations and dizziness. I crawled up the stairs to sit down and try and rest them off. I was clammy, sweaty, breathless. Not nice. But not new. It has been a while since I had them that badly. My manager ended up calling an ambulance for me when I was getting pins and needles in my hands, feet and face. She did the right thing.
The paramedics were really lovely! I had SVT (which I think means super ventricular tachycardia – fast heart). They took my ecg, blood pressure and medical history. In the ambulance I said that I had an eating disorder too in case it was relevant. Kudos to the paramedic. I felt comfortable enough to tell her! I felt so bad that they had to trolley me off of the ambulance. I tried asking if I could walk but I wasn’t allowed to. I didn’t want them to hurt their backs pushing me.
In the hospital they put me on oxygen and my heart rate hadn’t gone down. They took my blood and then gave me a medicine which apparently briefly stopped my heart and restarted it. It worked! My heart rate slowed down and my blood pressure went up a bit and the dizziness subsided. I felt so much better just exhausted and dehydrated. I’d struggled yesterday to make myself drink enough. I was intentionally dehydrating myself all day until the evening when I drank less than half of a days worth. That along with my purging the days before wasn’t a great combination for my hydration.
The nurse was really lovely. I thought she was fantastic. Someone came over and told me my Mum was here to see me and they were going to bring her through. Sudden realisation…my Mum doesn’t know about my eating disorder…they might unknowingly mention it. I called my nurse who came over just as my Mum arrived. She asked her to give us a minute and I whispered to her that my Mum didn’t know. Obviously my Mum probably got a little suspicious. :/ Not good. But necessary.
So from then on I was nervous about someone slipping and saying something by accident. Someone asked about my medicines and I’d forgotten to say she also didn’t know I was on Fluoxetine. So I said that and then was like ‘surprise Mum’. Great. Oops. Managed to worm my way out of that one. I feel bad. I know I could tell my Mum about my eating disorder. She’d be supportive and she has a better understanding of mental health than most. But that’s the thing. I want to do this on my own. I don’t want the worry of letting other people down or having people try to impose their things on me and watch me. I’m getting help. I’m finding it difficult yes. But it’s not like telling her is going to be the magical solution. I’d rather she didn’t know than have to deal with it when there’s nothing I want her to do to help anyway. Telling will make it worse and I’d feel worse. Giving that eating disorders are emotional things I reckon it’s actually probably best this way.
I was so nervous about my blood results! My Mum used to be a nurse. She’d already seen me talking to the nurse secretly and if they mentioned anything about electrolytes I was scared she’d clock on. She was already making comments about taking care of my body and saying she wanted to ask them what they thought was causing my palpitations. I know it’s not the purging or dehydration. Sure it might not have helped but I was having palpitation problems long before purging became an issue. But still…just in case.
The doctor had been told not to say anything about my eating disorder. He respected that. Kind of. I don’t think he’s helped the situation. I understand though. It can’t be easy hiding something like that. But he was hinting about it. I reckon he was trying to hint to my Mum. I was so anxious then. I knew exactly what was going on and I was trying to brush off bits of what he was saying. But he was saying that dehydration won’t help the palpitations and I was dehydrated and that can affect the salt balance and that loosing fluids or not drinking enough isn’t a good idea. I need to drink lots. Would he have mentioned the LOSS of fluids if I didn’t mention my eating disorder? And also…why gesture with his hands from his stomach out through his mouth? I think my Mum is getting suspicious and catching on slightly. I hope her denial helps her keep away from discovering the truth. The fact I took half an hour to have a small carton of apple juice while I was there probably didn’t help. I was trying! I felt so sick and horrible drinking it! I nearly forgot. When I got my blood results he looked at them and said they were ‘acceptable’…I’m assuming that doesn’t mean fine. Hmm.
I’ve been rehydrated with a saline solution. I swear I feel bigger. Definitely feeling bloated! My stomach is bigger and I’m not happy. I’m scared that the number on the scale will be bigger and I’ll be devastated! And what if my Mum makes sure I have dinner? Not eating it isn’t good because the doctor also said I need to eat regularly which I also thought was a bit of a hint. Maybe not. Maybe he needed to tell me. But I wasn’t in there (to my Mum’s knowledge) because of anything related to food. But if I eat dinner I’m going to end up purging it. I struggled sooo much to have a small amount of something last night and sitting with the feeling after was horrible! But also if my Mum suspects I might not be able to. Gah! So anxiety provoking. I need to not get anxious in case my palpitations kick back in and I end up in hospital again!
Stupid saline…stupid food…
Waiting for a referral to the Cardiologist now and I will see what the letter says the doctor sent to my doctors surgery. He offered me a copy to take with me if I waited ten minutes. I said no in case something was written on there and my Mum read it. I bet she would have as well. She wants to make sure I’m taken seriously and everything is okay. So I’ll see on Tuesday when I go in for my next appointment.
I sound so horrible. I appreciate my Mum I really do. I just don’t want her finding out. I don’t want to hurt her and her knowing wouldn’t help me.
I have tablets which should help keep my heart rhythm normal until I see the Cardiologist.
It’s been an eventful day. I got back to work 6 hours after the palpitations started and was sent home. I was fine to work. Maybe not 100% but I said I was fine and had been given the all clear. I guess they didn’t want to risk it happening again on the same day. Fair enough. I just didn’t want to go home. But I’m home now.
An eventful day.
What stuck out was the loveliness of the nhs staff who took care of me. I was so impressed and even my Mum was happy. I need to find some way of thanking them or letting them know that. That’s my next mission for the evening. I can’t believe how anxious I’m feeling now though! So wound up about dinner…I have over two hours until then. If I eat and purge that’s not good. Mind you nor is not eating so either way :/ And I am so full of water! I might even still be dehydrated because my mouth is dry. And I am drinking small bits but I feel like a bloated whale. It is so difficult swallowing it right now.
That’s my day anyway. Long boring story over!