I’ve Been Trying

I’ve been trying to take better care of myself  lately. I’ve vanished from WordPress and most other internet places for a few months. Initially this was because I’d hit such a low point I couldn’t face writing, or talking or reading about anything and I realised that I needed to try and do something about it. I think I’m having more days where I’m ‘ready’ for help and ‘ready’ to get better now. The main issue with that being that I’m not eligible for support in recovery and I no longer see my therapist because my day off at work changed.

After the initial removal from being online I actually had some really exciting news. My fiancé and I are expecting our first child in March. My current due date is March 25th 2015. This may change at my first scan in two weeks. It seemed to be the kick up the backside I needed. I began eating a structured diet. I had 3 meals and two snacks a day. Because I was monitoring everything I did get obsessive and I was loosing weight due to my calorie intake not being enough. But I tried to have a positive outlook and see the progress that I was making. Had I not been pregnant the calorie intake would have been markedly lower. It wasn’t enough but it was better than it could have been. I think I binged twice in the space of two weeks and I went from purging multiple times daily to a couple of times in those few weeks. Again not perfect but a marked improvement.

Then morning sickness kicked in. Of course my body decides that the only foods that I can stomach are my trigger foods. So in spite of being pregnant and having the most significant reason to change my behaviour for the better I have been binging…a lot. I feel awful. I am trying so hard to eat well for my baby and I thought after the initial improvement maybe I’d be one of those people who recover while pregnant and if working on the emotional side of things might not relapse after the birth. Apparently I’m so out of control my baby is now being subjected to everything that I do and don’t do. I feel like such a horrible person and an awful Mother.

This happy news has also impacted on me in other ways. Don’t get me wrong I am unbelievably excited to be having a baby. I can’t wait to meet them and love them and revolve my life around making sure they’re happy and well cared for. But with the mind set I was in when I got pregnant this has presented other challenges. The moments where the super-low feelings break through and the self harm and suicidal urges are running rampant in my mind it is my baby that stops me acting on these. But as much as this is perhaps a positive thing it also brings out this fear in me. What if I can’t bond with my child? What if because they’re restricting me I begin to resent them? If I want to die but they stop me but the urge and desire doesn’t go?  I try to tell myself that my desire to do the best for them and the wish that I could eat well for them is proof that I will bond with them and I can change for the better. But I’m scared of the ‘what ifs’. I’m scared because the future isn’t 100% certain. I find it hard that I didn’t care about myself before. I pushed myself at work when my heart was telling me to stop but now I don’t do that because I’m not pushing my child through that. But I find that hard because I’m then inadvertently helping myself. Just like pre-natal vitamins. I’m taking them but I struggle with the fact that I’ll benefit from them too.

Anyway. I’m back online. I think I need to write more. Especially now I’m not longer seeing my therapist. I think that’s one reason I’ve crashed so low. I have no space to think, to process and to understand my own mind so I’m getting lost in the mess in my brain.

Anyway. I hope anyone who may scan through this is doing well. I have some catching up on blogs to do!

Arrhythmia and Eating Disorder

Things have been pretty chaotic. I can’t believe it’s been a month since I last posted! I keep intending to write but I’ve found it difficult to recently. 

My day off at work is changing. They’re worried about my heart and want me to have a day of mid-week and not work 4 days straight. But that means I most probably won’t be able to keep seeing my therapist and I’ve been really upset about that. I’m actually quite surprised about how much it upsets me. But even though I’m not improving I’ve got used to having that support there. But it scares me that I’m on a downhill slope and have hit a low and that’s the time it’s suddenly going to be taken away from me. It also means I won’t be able to go to my nutritionist appointments because they’re on a Monday but I reckon that either tomorrow or the next time will be my last time seeing her anyway because she doesn’t work with eating disorders.

After being told about my day change I  noticed the emotional link to my eating disorder for the first time. I immediately began purging more at work. I also hid and cried for a good while after I was told. I am absolutely gutted. I wasn’t just purging food though. I’ve stopped taking the medication I was given in a&e to control my heart beat. It was working. My heart still had times where it didn’t feel right but it wasn’t affecting me as much. Once I’d got passed the crippling fatigue anyway and got used to it. I don’t feel like I deserve it. I deserve the palpitations and I don’t care any more. Well I do. I still want it sorted so I’m going to my echo-cardiogram on Tuesday and then to the arrhythmia clinic in a month. But at the same time I’ve been purging and wanting my heart to react to it. I’m weird. I hate people being worried and am always telling them it’s nothing and not wanting it to slow me down and affect me but at the same time I’m kind of using it as a way of self harming? I think it kind of is anyway. I don’t know.

I felt awful on Friday. I had a really stressful time at work when I was left in charge for the morning and I only just made it to the end of the day. And yet later that day I drank a ton of caffeine because I was feeling okay again.

There is so much else to think through. I’ve written a list of things on a piece of paper to determine what I might want to talk about with my therapist tomorrow. It’s been a bad couple of weeks. Will I have the guts to say what I’m truly feeling? Or will my automatic mask ruin that? Maybe I shouldn’t be fully honest anyway. Why chuck all of that her way before I stop seeing her and she can’t help? 


Hospital and Confidentiality

I ended up in A&E today.

I was at work. Nothing out of the ordinary when all of a sudden I was hit with palpitations and dizziness. I crawled up the stairs to sit down and try and rest them off. I was clammy, sweaty, breathless. Not nice. But not new. It has been a while since I had them that badly. My manager ended up calling an ambulance for me when I was getting pins and needles in my hands, feet and face. She did the right thing.

The paramedics were really lovely! I had SVT (which I think means super ventricular tachycardia – fast heart). They took my ecg, blood pressure and medical history. In the ambulance I said that I had an eating disorder too in case it was relevant. Kudos to the paramedic. I felt comfortable enough to tell her! I felt so bad that they had to trolley me off of the ambulance. I tried asking if I could walk but I wasn’t allowed to. I didn’t want them to hurt their backs pushing me.

In the hospital they put me on oxygen and my heart rate hadn’t gone down. They took my blood and then gave me a medicine which apparently briefly stopped my heart and restarted it. It worked! My heart rate slowed down and my blood pressure went up a bit and the dizziness subsided. I felt so much better just exhausted and dehydrated. I’d struggled yesterday to make myself drink enough. I was intentionally dehydrating myself all day until the evening when I drank less than half of a days worth. That along with my purging the days before wasn’t a great combination for my hydration.

The nurse was really lovely. I thought she was fantastic. Someone came over and told me my Mum was here to see me and they were going to bring her through. Sudden realisation…my Mum doesn’t know about my eating disorder…they might unknowingly mention it. I called my nurse who came over just as my Mum arrived. She asked her to give us a minute and I whispered to her that my Mum didn’t know. Obviously my Mum probably got a little suspicious. :/ Not good. But necessary.

So from then on I was nervous about someone slipping and saying something by accident. Someone asked about my medicines and I’d forgotten to say she also didn’t know I was on Fluoxetine. So I said that and then was like ‘surprise Mum’. Great. Oops. Managed to worm my way out of that one. I feel bad. I know I could tell my Mum about my eating disorder. She’d be supportive and she has a better understanding of mental health than most. But that’s the thing. I want to do this on my own. I don’t want the worry of letting other people down or having people try to impose their things on me and watch me. I’m getting help. I’m finding it difficult yes. But it’s not like telling her is going to be the magical solution. I’d rather she didn’t know than have to deal with it when there’s nothing I want her to do to help anyway. Telling will make it worse and I’d feel worse. Giving that eating disorders are emotional things I reckon it’s actually probably best this way.

I was so nervous about my blood results! My Mum used to be a nurse. She’d already seen me talking to the nurse secretly and if they mentioned anything about electrolytes I was scared she’d clock on. She was already making comments about taking care of my body and saying she wanted to ask them what they thought was causing my palpitations. I know it’s not the purging or dehydration. Sure it might not have helped but I was having palpitation problems long before purging became an issue. But still…just in case.

The doctor had been told not to say anything about my eating disorder. He respected that. Kind of. I don’t think he’s helped the situation. I understand though. It can’t be easy hiding something like that. But he was hinting about it. I reckon he was trying to hint to my Mum. I was so anxious then. I knew exactly what was going on and I was trying to brush off bits of what he was saying. But he was saying that dehydration won’t help the palpitations and I was dehydrated and that can affect the salt balance and that loosing fluids or not drinking enough isn’t a good idea. I need to drink lots. Would he have mentioned the LOSS of fluids if I didn’t mention my eating disorder? And also…why gesture with his hands from his stomach out through his mouth? I think my Mum is getting suspicious and catching on slightly. I hope her denial helps her keep away from discovering the truth. The fact I took half an hour to have a small carton of apple juice while I was there probably didn’t help. I was trying! I felt so sick and horrible drinking it! I nearly forgot. When I got my blood results he looked at them and said they were ‘acceptable’…I’m assuming that doesn’t mean fine. Hmm.

I’ve been rehydrated with a saline solution. I swear I feel bigger. Definitely feeling bloated! My stomach is bigger and I’m not happy. I’m scared that the number on the scale will be bigger and I’ll be devastated! And what if my Mum makes sure I have dinner? Not eating it isn’t good because the doctor also said I need to eat regularly which I also thought was a bit of a hint. Maybe not. Maybe he needed to tell me. But I wasn’t in there (to my Mum’s knowledge) because of anything related to food. But if I eat dinner I’m going to end up purging it. I struggled sooo much to have a small amount of something last night and sitting with the feeling after was horrible! But also if my Mum suspects I might not be able to. Gah! So anxiety provoking. I need to not get anxious in case my palpitations kick back in and I end up in hospital again!

Stupid saline…stupid food…

Waiting for a referral to the Cardiologist now and I will see what the letter says the doctor sent to my doctors surgery. He offered me a copy to take with me if I waited ten minutes. I said no in case something was written on there and my Mum read it. I bet she would have as well. She wants to make sure I’m taken seriously and everything is okay. So I’ll see on Tuesday when I go in for my next appointment.

I sound so horrible. I appreciate my Mum I really do. I just don’t want her finding out. I don’t want to hurt her and her knowing wouldn’t help me.

I have tablets which should help keep my heart rhythm normal until I see the Cardiologist.

It’s been an eventful day. I got back to work 6 hours after the palpitations started and was sent home. I was fine to work. Maybe not 100% but I said I was fine and had been given the all clear. I guess they didn’t want to risk it happening again on the same day. Fair enough. I just didn’t want to go home. But I’m home now.

An eventful day.

What stuck out was the loveliness of the nhs staff who took care of me. I was so impressed and even my Mum was happy. I need to find some way of thanking them or letting them know that. That’s my next mission for the evening. I can’t believe how anxious I’m feeling now though! So wound up about dinner…I have over two hours until then. If I eat and purge that’s not good. Mind you nor is not eating so either way :/ And I am so full of water! I might even still be dehydrated because my mouth is dry. And I am drinking small bits but I feel like a bloated whale. It is so difficult swallowing it right now.

That’s my day anyway. Long boring story over!


Little Brain Monsters

I don’t know what to write. I just feel like I need to write something. My brain is in turmoil; arguing with itself without my consent. It’s really hard to describe or explain but I’ll give it my best shot.

It’s like there are three monsters in my head controlling me. There’s the ‘binge monster’ that screams at me to eat and to keep going even when I feel sick until I’m in pain and can’t eat any more. Then there’s the ‘restrict monster’ that tells me not to eat and that I’m disgusting if I have anything at all. These two monsters hate each other and they argue. Then there’s the ‘purge monster’. This monster isn’t disliked by the other two.

Somewhere along the way these monsters took over both my brain and my life. I’m still in here though…I hope. I have to hope that there’s a part of me left in all of this.

The noise in my brain from all of their arguing! Sometimes I can’t follow a conversation because all I can focus on is this argument going on in my own head that I’m not in control of. These monsters are battling over control of me. I’m trying to tune into the conversation at the restaurant table. The people I’m with are talking about one thing. The noise of the argument takes over. I’m thinking about food and weight, the food in front of me, counting and planning, the urge to binge, the urge to restrict and the urge to purge. I snap back to reality. They’re talking about something completely different. I’ve lost track. The argument drowns it out again.

In the past the monsters took it in turns and there was no purge monster. If the binge monster took control then the restrict monster would sleep and vice-versa. It was clear cut periods where it was one monster in control or the other. The only time they fought was when my behaviours switched. If the restrict monster was in control and the binge monster woke up then they would argue. Conflicting thoughts in my brain. The urge to carry out two completely opposite actions. The urge to restrict and the urge to binge. Until one urge overpowered the other and the loser went to sleep.

Now it is chaos in my brain. Recently they have all be awake at once and fighting. There’s the restrict monster stopping me from eating, forbidding me from getting certain nutrients and periodically denying me water. Then there’s the binge monster making me eat until I feel sick and am in pain, doesn’t care about nutrients and make me obtain food when the urge strikes. The purge monster works alongside both voices. It agrees with the restrict monster that I don’t deserve to eat and that I’m disgusting and should lack nutrients and periodically wants me to be dehydrated. The restrict monster does this through restricting. The purge monster adds to the restricting and dehydration. It also backs up the binge monster. I can always undo the binge.

There are times where I have the urge to restrict and not eat but the urge to binge at the same time and the purge monster is backing both up and I end up really anxious and panicky and I don’t know what to do or what behaviour I’m going to act on. There was an evening a couple of days ago where I was with my fiancé at his Granparents’ house. I had been restricting and was anxious about what was going to happen for dinner. I didn’t want anything . But then the binge monster got involved. One part of me couldn’t bare the thought of eating the food and was disgusted by the thought and terrified I would binge. Then the part of me that was driving me to binge and was growing steadily stronger and stronger and the purge thoughts muddling with both. I started to freak out. What if I don’t order something from the take-out but then need to binge and don’t have anything? I’m scared I will binge. I don’t want to. I can’t eat. I could eat loads though and purge it. I could get something little and purge. I shouldn’t have anything. I need everything. I couldn’t do it. I put the menu down and ordered nothing.

To be honest it’s hard to think of all of what goes on in my head when I’m not in that head space.

I’m referring to them as monsters to try and explain some of what this is like. They might be monsters. I wish I could be rid of them but at the same time they are me. They’re like splintered fragments of me. I don’t know what there would be left of me if they went, if anything. I’m scared to loose them. Well…I’d happily loose the binge monster but the other two are my friends. My friends and worst enemies at the same time. It’s a love hate relationship. But I hate the binge monster. I wish it’d get out of my head and never come back.

I wish they’d all go away. I hate this. I hate them. But I need them. They are everything. And I love them when my weight is dropping.

I don’t know how much sense this post is going to make.  The turmoil and arguing in my brain today has been insane and I just needed to write something. I tried googling the urge to binge and restrict at the same time but found nothing. Maybe it’s just me who gets opposite urges fighting to take me over. I don’t know. I don’t know any more.  Everything has changed. Nothing is clear cut. Everything is merging. I feel like a mess.

Preparing for Therapy

I thought I’d sum up the main things going on for me at the moment. I’m returning to therapy this week after a short break and so much is going on that I can’t possibly talk about it all in the first session back. I want to order my thoughts through writing a blog post so that I can identify what things I want to talk about most.

Things to talk about (in no particular order):

  • Purging  (Worse at work/Can’t stop/Even water)
  • Binging/Purging/Restricting/Exercising/Laxatives (No longer a clear cut cycle – behaviours are adapting and merging)
  • Thinking about trying a ‘Beat’ eating disorder support group
  • Doctors (Was told blood results were normal but weren’t. Being repeated. Blood pressure)
  • Job interview (Changing jobs? Undecided. Don’t know what to do)
  • Work (I don’t feel like I’m doing good enough- 1:1 was good though. Feel like a fraud. Cried at work a couple of times. Eating disorder interfering and helping :/)
  • Book I was loaned about compulsive eating (Can relate to some of it. Some is probably right but I don’t want to hear it. Some I disagree with)
  • Driving (Anxiety/Stress)
  • Crying (Gone from not being able to to crying regularly)
  • Taking Anti-depressants (Trying them. Reached the point of ‘what have I got to loose’)
  • Mum’s wedding (Dress/Hair/Photos/Anxiety/Childhood Friend)
  • Babies (Want. Can’t have – too unhealthy. What’s the point if I don’t. Pregnancy could be a good thing or a disaster)
  • Self Harm (Managed not to in 4 weeks. Nearly once but didn’t)
  • Stash (Carrying it around- security blanket)
  • Nutritionist??
  • Dad (On and off. Feel guilty. Wedding)
  • Mum (Supporting my fear of dentists. I annoy her. Commenting on others’ weight. Relationship)
  • Fiancé (Trying to share a bit more with him. Listens – doesn’t understand)
  • Recent impulsive behaviour
  • Friends (How do I know if someone is a friend. Have I made friendships with a couple of people at work? I still don’t understand.)
  • Grandparents (Others dying scares me. People are so fragile. It would hurt my Mum. How do people cope?)

There. Out of these there are still too many main things. In reality though it’s hard to find the guts to say one new thing let alone more. So I think I’ll talk about the ones we’ve already been talking about (Eating disorder behaviours, self harm, friends, work) and mention one new thing (the job interview is most imminent). I might also mention about babies because we’ve briefly touched on it before but we’ll see. I might get there and be too embarrassed to talk after a break. Hopefully it’ll be back to normal once I’m there though. She’ll probably ask about the book and talk about it too. This is all probably too much to fit in. But at least I now have a clearer idea of things after typing them out so it’ll be better organised in my own mind.

Potentially Not Binging – The Insanity

I’m trembling and shaking. My brain is just about controlling my fingers well enough to be able to type. My heart is pounding, my mouth is dry. My stomach is twisted in knots. I feel like I’m about to loose it. I feel like I’m going to burst into tears, lash out, tear my face off and completely break with no chance of returning to ‘normality’. I want to scream and I need to calm down…somehow.

Where has this come from?
It’s Easter Sunday. A bank holiday weekend. Bank holidays are one of my least favourite and most anxiety provoking days each year. The reason? Shops open and shut at hours inconvenient to my eating disorder urges and if I get caught out or mis-plan then my life gets tipped upside down and I have to struggle and grapple with my will to not go completely shit-crazy.

I should have gone to the supermarket yesterday. I intended to. I intended to massively stockpile food in the boot of my car so that this Easter weekend would not restrict my binging. I got drunk yesterday so I couldn’t drive to the store. Not that I cared, I was fuzzy headed and chilled out. It wasn’t an immediate need so I decided that I’d go tomorrow (today).

Today I was just an idiot. I binged in the morning and was going to walk or drive and get my stockpile. Except I decided that maybe I wouldn’t. Maybe this time I would try to resist a binge. What better a way than by not having the possibility in the first place. If I don’t buy the food then I have to succeed at not binging. I have to sit with the feelings of loosing my sanity and falling down the rabbit hole into oblivion and a pit of despair. I was going to go. I realised that I wasn’t going to feel too great if I didn’t. But I didn’t go. I made the choice to resist binging.

Now I’m in complete panic. I’m freaking out. I can’t do this! I’m trying to document this so that I can remember what I go through after I go through it. Often I can’t remember clearly once the haze of the after kicks in.

Tonight the family are cooking an Easter meal together! I need to do something to pull myself back together enough to get through that. Or maybe I’ll pretend to be sick. I don’t want to eat. Food is evil and if I eat that and can’t get more then what will happen? Or what if I eat too much in front of them. Or maybe I’ll eat it and purge. I feel like I need to be sick anyway with my stomach all twisted like this. Fatties always get judged for eating anything and I shouldn’t eat anything or touch anything bad.

What’s even more stupid is I’m not completely foodless. I have what I call my ‘emergency’ tins under my bed. They live there for situations where I can’t get to the shops such as if it’s a bank holiday and I don’t realise until I get to the shops and they’re shut. I don’t know why I’m experiencing all of this panic and anxiety. I realised I have these tins and that didn’t make me feel any better. Maybe it’s because they’re not what I usually binge on? They’re bingey foods though. And there is enough of it for a binge later if I do. And then the shops will be open tomorrow. Why do I feel so horrendous?

I hate this eating disorder. I should have just gone to the shop and stocked up. I’d be feeling fine right now if I had! I’ve put myself in this position. I thought I’d try not to binge and it’s lead me to emotional turmoil. I feel like I’m loosing my mind. All over food. Stupid food.


There are tears and anger. I feel pathetic and stupid that I’m reacting like this. I feel like I’m drowning in my own feelings. I’ve lost all sense of time and I’m alone in my room.  I’m shaking less now but the feelings of hatred have replaced it. I hate myself. I’m a stupid, weak and fat waste of space. I’m ashamed of myself. It’s my fault I’ve ended up in this mess. I should have done something about this years ago. Now my blood pressure and blood is messed up and I can’t cope with the daily expectations of life. I want to break something.


I’m trying not to cry. I’m jittery but unwilling to move or do anything. My stomach is even more knotty and I just want to be sick. I can feel my heart racing. It’s different to the palpitations that I get. It’s like it’s racing in my throat. I’m finding it difficult to swallow and my brain is all over the place. I don’t know how to make this pain stop.


I’ve been drawing how I feel emotionally and physically right now. Overload. Will this ever stop?! I’ve been in turmoil for nearly 2 hours!



I’m calmer. My emergency stash is now comforting me more. It’s there if I need it. I’m not in a complete disaster. I’m still upset, anxious and angry but at a more manageable level. These rapidly increase if I think about things. So long as I’m numbing out online I’m doing okay. I still have an uncomfortable feeling in my chest and my heart is still fast but I’m swallowing more easily now and I feel less sick. The sick feeling in my stomach has been replaced with fluttery butterflies. When I’m not blocking everything out my mind keeps turning to thoughts about my emergency stash and self-harm.


Had dinner with the family…drove to pick up my fiancé and stopped at a 24 hour store. Stocked up and happier.

Dietitian and Binge

I saw the dietician. She was lovely and really understanding. She doesn’t expect much from our sessions as she doesn’t work in the mental health sector so imagines seeing her won’t be particularly helpful with my eating disorder. But she was super kind and non-judgemental.

What I really wanted to write about was what happened after. I binged. I intend to be honest (and it might possibly disgust you) but this is the first time I’ve felt like documenting it in the aftermath. You’ve been warned.

After the dietitian I walked to the supermarket. I walked to burn calories. In the supermarket I was anxious and not letting myself look at any trigger foods. I bought some safe foods.

On my way home I nearly fainted. I was struggling to carry my light load of shopping. I had to call my fiance to come and help me home. On the way I had some apple juice to stop me from fainting. I hate the fact I drank it. I still feel like that makes me weak. Like if I was strong I would have let myself faint.

Anyway I got home and put the shopping away. I kept a couple of things to take upstairs. There was no more room in the fridge. This accidentally included a pint of milk.

I lay on my bed. The apple juice hadn’t done the trick. And I was in mental turmoil. Counting calories in food and exercise but also beginning to feel that urge to eat. I was angry at myself for feelinh that urge, disgusted at the thought of it happening, scared of how out of control I was beginning to feel. I couldn’t pull myself together. 9 days of hardly eating. It shouldn’t be a struggle to keep going. My weight was going down. But, I reason with myself, maybe that’s why I hit the curb in my car. Either end of the food spectrum I’m a mess.

I reach for the milk. I drink all of it. As I drink it I distinctly remember thinking that it didn’t taste nice. I drank it anyway. Too quickly and too easily.

I didnt stop at the milk. I made some food, ate it. It tasted amazing. But at the same time I had that nauseating feeling of shame and tears behind my eyes. I didn’t want to, but I had no choice. I couldn’t stop, no matter how much I hated it. My life was over. My ‘happy mask’ took over but I wanted to weep. I hate food, the power it has over me and the fact that I need it. I’d rather die than continue to live through binge hell.

I run out of my own supplies. “Do you have any nibbles?” I hear myself asking my fiance. He hands some of his stash over to me. He knows all to well the effect on my mood if I do not get it exactly when the urge drives me to. He is sadly all to familiar with my middle of the night trips to buy my fix. Bless him, I have no idea why he loves me. Sometimes I struggle to believe he really does. Surely I’m unlovable.

The aftermath is no more fun. Maybe some people get a sense of temporary euphoria. Maybe I used to. Now there isn’t a single bit of pleasure in any of it. I hate it and I can’t stop.

I get a non-contageous tummy bug. Technically not a tummy bug but the same symptoms. Except far worse because I drank a bottle of milk and I’m lactose intolerant. That and I haven’t had dairy in nine days so my tolerance is even lower and it was on an empty stomach. You get the picture. I spend the next few hours in the toilet.

But the sickest part? I’m sitting here in the doctor’s waiting room having fully planned my next binge and beyond for the evening. I still feel sick. My stomach is still churning and I’m getting the cold sweats. I want to cry. I hate what food has done to me…or more accurately what I have done to myself.

I’m a blob of a human being who apparently was made for one thing…to gorge herself stupid on everything in sight.